God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
