I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
