I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
