I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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