Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
