I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
