Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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