definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
