you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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