i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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