i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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