I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
