Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
