So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
