my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
