I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
