Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You dont lie about slip and slides
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
