if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
