if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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