I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
