got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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