take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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