M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
