On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
