The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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