fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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