found the other keg... it's in the tree
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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