just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
