all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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