Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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