is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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