The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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