connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
