the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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