mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
