The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
