tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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