Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
