he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
