went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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