I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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