I want to stick my p in your. b.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
