I just threw up on my dentist
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
