Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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