mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
