My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
