I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
