Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
