all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
