I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
